I have struggled with depression for most of what I remember about myself. Different days bring different struggles. Today is a bad day. Not because I want to die. Not because I feel empty and hollow. Not because I believe there is some better version of me hiding just out of grasp, if I can just cut her loose...
Nope. None of those today.
Today is bad because it is a guilty day. Guilty days... weeks... are sometimes the worst for me, they always lead to a deeper, darker place.
Guilty. I feel truly guilty for ever making the assumption that I could BE something. I feel guilty for letting everyone down because they believed me. I feel guilty taking up space because someone more valuable to the world could have been here instead. I feel guilty for not getting anything done. I feel guilty for being a failure who has never been able to focus long enough on a task to ever achieve anything.
This feeling of guilt usually builds until I am so angry with myself that my self-loathing is nearly a tangible substance radiating around me. Or at least it feels that way. Guilt in the sense that I feel it during these times generally turn from a "I feel bad I am not cool" to "I hate the way I am. I am disgusting. Let me help rip myself a part".
This is usually a time of very low productivity for me because all my goals are over whelming and hard to reach. The guilt of already failing is too heavy to just escape. It is also a time where dark thoughts relentlessly circle me, pecking at the walls of stability, and squawking with glee as they crumble. Although violent in nature, all are unrealistic and beyond what I am capable of...
I am terrified to be taken off medication.
Gladly, today is not the worst of these days. I find that since having my son, these days have gotten worse (hormones, postpartum depression/anxiety, fear of everything), but also better. Seeing, playing, hugging, snuggling, etc. with my little boy is like a triple dose of any medication. Immediate happy-buzz that clears it all away.. until I am left to myself again.
I wish I could focus.
I wish I could tear this cloud of guilt away from myself long enough to finally see the truth.
I just want to know who I am without all ... this.... in the way.
It is completely exhausting battling yourself in order to prove self-worth. At least if you are arguing with someone else, you can walk away.
Nope. None of those today.
Today is bad because it is a guilty day. Guilty days... weeks... are sometimes the worst for me, they always lead to a deeper, darker place.
Guilty. I feel truly guilty for ever making the assumption that I could BE something. I feel guilty for letting everyone down because they believed me. I feel guilty taking up space because someone more valuable to the world could have been here instead. I feel guilty for not getting anything done. I feel guilty for being a failure who has never been able to focus long enough on a task to ever achieve anything.
This feeling of guilt usually builds until I am so angry with myself that my self-loathing is nearly a tangible substance radiating around me. Or at least it feels that way. Guilt in the sense that I feel it during these times generally turn from a "I feel bad I am not cool" to "I hate the way I am. I am disgusting. Let me help rip myself a part".
This is usually a time of very low productivity for me because all my goals are over whelming and hard to reach. The guilt of already failing is too heavy to just escape. It is also a time where dark thoughts relentlessly circle me, pecking at the walls of stability, and squawking with glee as they crumble. Although violent in nature, all are unrealistic and beyond what I am capable of...
I am terrified to be taken off medication.
Gladly, today is not the worst of these days. I find that since having my son, these days have gotten worse (hormones, postpartum depression/anxiety, fear of everything), but also better. Seeing, playing, hugging, snuggling, etc. with my little boy is like a triple dose of any medication. Immediate happy-buzz that clears it all away.. until I am left to myself again.
I wish I could focus.
I wish I could tear this cloud of guilt away from myself long enough to finally see the truth.
I just want to know who I am without all ... this.... in the way.
It is completely exhausting battling yourself in order to prove self-worth. At least if you are arguing with someone else, you can walk away.
Comments
Post a Comment